When I Finally Wanted to Be Normal, Turned Out Normal Doesn’t Exist
What a hoax! No standards, no guidelines. What an absolute mess
“Ok, let’s do this”, I thought. I was kind of tired of constant rebelling and swimming against the tide. I was young and enthusiastic but living my truth had become progressively more exhausting. It took all my strength to parry every attack on my choices.
“You have to study this and that”, they would tell me. “Are you crazy to break up your long-term relationship at 25? You have to get married and have kids, like, NOW!”
They were always shocked even before I got to tell them my next decisions and steps. They always had a counterargument no matter what I said. They were always prepared to be disappointed and they were disapproving in advance, just to be sure.
When I finally reached the point of honest exhaustion, I started to reevaluate my decision-making principles. Could it be possible I was starting to do things out of spite? Was I even following my true desires or was I just trying to justify my reputation?
Well, ok. Maybe they ARE right. Maybe I should just give in and be normal.
Where do I sign up?
The decision to try normal deflated me. I could feel myself getting smaller but I also felt I had a chance to finally rest a little.
I thought I would just wear that grey suit, and enter the normality. Everyone would greet and hug me. We would all gently swing in a wonderful harmony of normality and love each other. At that point, I craved just that. To be accepted. To belong somewhere.
I applied for a normal job. I wore a skirt I didn’t feel comfortable in. I talked about savings. I was doing what I thought they had expected me to do.
And then I got my first: “Is this what you are going to do with your life?”
I was left astounded and speechless. You scums!
There is no normal
All this time I actually believed that there were those norms that I simply refused to follow. That there are some guidelines, and some safe paths to take to live a normal life. I was so ready to enter those norms where people are safe from other people's judgments. And it turned out it does not fucking exist.
Oh, I was mad. I was real mad.
They were so good at building the illusion of normality. They projected so masterfully that I honestly didn't notice that nothing was wrong with me. They were blaming me for not following the thing, but it turned out there is no “Thing”, there is only “Blame”.
And blame, judgment, and unsolicited opinions are going to be there always. Always.
So, what is it all about then?
I realized life is not going to be about following or refusing to follow the normal as there is nothing to follow. It is and is going to continue to be about fighting off and feeling magnificently indifferent to those judgments.
The realization gave me my power back, as now I certainly know that I am on the right path. Fighting was exhausting. Knowing that there is nothing to fight about gave me liberation.
Goodbye, normality. If only you would have existed.
